Melissa at The Comment Corral

Here's a comment from a reader named Melissa (from this post on my comment blog):

Hi Heather, thank you for the time and effort you put into your blog exposing Calvinism and also how to heal from it.

About 9 months ago, after moving, my husband searched for new churches using 9Marks.  The priority was expository teaching vs topical (our previous church was non-calvinist, and had topical teachings).  I was completely unaware he was being pulled into Calvinism during the new church search.  Neither of us ever heard of Calvinism nor talked about it before.  The church he chose, that we are now members of (I was pressured into), is fully Calvinist - it is outlined in their "Our Beliefs" section of their website, the Pastors graduated Masters Seminary and each week, the sermons include some/all aspects of TULIP.  The Pastors from the pulpit frequently use phrases like other denominations are not real christians/the True Church, and that their doctrines are the only correct, true ones and everything else is "absurd".

My question for guidance is - how do I continue going to a church that is preaching a false / twisted Gospel?  I’ve expressed my concerns to my husband and he is not willing to discuss.  He idolizes these Pastors and does not respect any wisdom from me, his wife.  His responses have been parroting these Calvinist teachers by saying I don't have a high view of God/Scripture, and that if Jesus died for ALL, then His blood was wasted.  Mind you, in our 5 years together, prior to joining this Calvinist church, we both believed in the trust Gospel, that Jesus sacrificed for all, so that all would have an opportunity to be made right with God, by having faith, believing and repenting.  We've never been more spiritually disconnected as we are now.  He is firmly in the grasp of satan, following these false teachings, and I am at a loss of what to do.

I am leaning towards resigning my membership and no longer attending with him; I truly do not see how it’s ok to sit under false teaching and would appreciate guidance of what is right biblically.  This period of 9 months has left me spiritually starving, hopeless, and confused and I don't know how to continue to attend, but also trying to love and honor my husband.  This is not something I can bring to my church leadership because they are firmly in the camp, and preaching, that wives are to submit to their husbands (even in abusive situations) and follow their lead, no matter what.

Here's my reply:

Oh my goodness, Melissa!  I am so sorry!  What a difficult, discouraging situation to be in!  There really is no easy answer here, is there?... I wish I had easy answers for this, but I don't.  

Firstly, though, I think it's amazing that you were able to keep your head about you in the midst of all the false teaching and to see that it didn't line up with Scripture, even though everything and everyone around you was pressuring you to join on board, including your husband.  It takes a strong person to resist that pressure and the controlling, cult-like, deceptive methods.  But I am so sorry your husband got sucked in.

And I understand what you mean when you say you feel spiritually starved, hopeless, and confused.  I felt the same way.  Except for me, my husband was on my side.  So I can't imagine the pain you feel being in that church with your husband on their side.  Ugh!  I'm so sorry.

I don't think there's a quick easy answer to this, but it might take some time and prayer to figure out.  I would say, at the very least, that you should make sure you're getting true gospel truth from somewhere else during the week (the Bible, books, online sermons - my go-to pastors are Charles Stanley, Tony Evans, Andy Woods).  And you should, as much as possible, quit listening to the pastor at your church, even if you still attend with your husband.  You could put in ear buds and listen to something else or sit in another room and read.  I know that whatever you do - if it's different than what your husband does - it's going to be difficult and uncomfortable.  But I also know that listening to that stuff over and over again suffocates our souls, kills our faith/joy, and makes us angry all the time.  And so we can't sit and listen to that stuff.  It's not worth the damage it does to our spirits, hearts, and our faith.

While I don't ever like to suggest that wives and husbands attend different churches (because that puts a rift in the marriage, which I think is tragic and risky), I do think this issue is larger than that.  And in these situations, sometimes hard decisions and sacrifices have to be made, often resulting in a less-than-ideal situation.

Does your husband know how badly this is affecting your heart and soul and faith?  If not, maybe you should sit him down and clearly tell him, not focusing on the bad theology at all, but on the fact that it's not the right church for you, that it's so crushing to you that you cannot stay there anymore the way things are, and that you want to find another church with him where you both feel comfortable and spiritually-fed.  Let him know (gently and with love) that you want to do that together, but that you're hurting enough that you'll make changes on your own if you have to, even if it just means bringing a book to church for now or staying home alone watching sermons online while he goes to church.  And then allow some time to see if he gets on board, keeping him informed (gently and lovingly) of where you are in the process to give him a chance to slowly join you.  (Would he be willing to read a different theology book?  I totally recommend Tony Evans' Theology You Can Trust, and his Our God is Awesome, and his Bible Commentary.)

And if push comes to shove, maybe resigning your membership is the best, most honest way to go, especially since - most likely - a 9Marks church probably has it in the contract that you have to agree with their theology to be a member (might want to check on that).

And while I hate to say it and add more fuel to fire, it might be good to resign now before your disagreement becomes too public - because the longer you're a member, the more chance there is for them to put you under church discipline, especially if you start speaking out against them or disagreeing with your husband.  (Look up The Wartburg Watch, and search around for their articles of 9Marks churches and church membership contracts and how to resign your membership, etc.  It might give you a good idea what you could be facing.)

If you're husband doesn't like you resigning, maybe tell him that you're just abiding by your membership contract (if it specifies that you can only be a member if you agree with their theology) and that you're resigning out of honesty and of respect for them.

And no matter what you do, find some support for yourself, friends or others who know what you're going through.  And keep praying for guidance, that God would guide your steps and fight your battle.  And pray for your husband.  Pray that God puts the truth in his path repeatedly, that the Spirit helps him sense something is wrong, pray that the church's bad theology/leadership is exposed, maybe even pray that something happens (unrelated to theology) that will upset him enough to make him want to leave.

Also pray against demonic harassment and interference.  Remember that some things that appear to be earthly problems are actually spiritual problems/spiritual warfare issues.  So don't confuse the two.  (Have you ever seen War Room? Good movie.)  And remember that as a believer, you have the right and authority to use Jesus's name against demons, something as simply as "In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave."  Remember this in case you ever need it, in case you upset the demons so much that they feel the need to come after you.  (If they do, it's normal.  I've been there before, and so have friends of mine.  So don't be afraid.)

There are many layers to your situations, many complicating factors.  It's no wonder you're struggling with this.  But I admire your desire to do that right thing, the godly thing, and the godly-wife thing, even if it's not easy to figure out what it is right now.  I'll be praying for you and your husband.  God bless! :)

- Heather