White horses and a cup of tea (part 2)
(picking up where we left off in part 1...)
And that brings us to this year. This year I wasn't going to make any New Year's resolutions. I was like "meh, who cares?"
But then, two things grew naturally in my mind, goals for this year. (The first one will take three posts, and then I'll share the second one after that.)
(Plus, I think I'll keep trying the "talk less, listen more" resolution, too. I could always use more of that. And I think I'll add "try to stop speaking negative things." That won't be easy. I do far too much of that.):
A Theme:
This is going to be my "white horse" year.
"What's a 'white horse'?" you ask.
Well, I'm glad you asked. I'll tell you.
Here's the thing: I'm an overthinker. A massive overthinker. And it causes me lots of anxiety. Of course, I have some very real things to be concerned about, but I also overthink little things and not-even-real-yet things and might-never-happen things... until they became very big things that cause me lots of fear and anxiety.
It's kind of a Pavlov's Dog response. Too many bad things have happened in too short a time, and it's trained me to react to everything with fear. It's become my body's first response to almost any type of stimulus, anything new or concerning, or a change of any kind.
It got so bad during one long stretch of time that terror was my first feeling when I realized I was awake in the morning. [Of course, having anxiety and fear at night when you're trying to go to sleep is terrible. But waking up with anxiety and fear - with absolute terror - was a whole new level of terrible, much worse.]
Even my own heartbeat was overwhelming to me, scaring me, making me feel like I was always about to have a panic attack. And you can't get away from your own heartbeat. You can't get away from yourself. [This was a very unusual time period in my life, though, when I was facing very extreme, out-of-the-ordinary trials most people don't have to face. It wasn't "normal life."]
And now - even though I'm really doing much better now - I seem to always expect the worst, that every change is bad, that something will inevitably go wrong somewhere along the line (because so many things already have), and that I'll be knocked emotionally off my feet again. And so, while I don't mean to, I'm always bracing myself for the hit.
I totally relate to this line in the Twenty One Pilots song The Ride: "I've been thinkin' too much (help me)."
Help me... Help me!!!
Isn't that how it feels sometimes, fellow anxiety-sufferers (anxiety-overcomers!)? Like we need help staying grounded, help stopping our negative and anxious thoughts, help talking ourselves down off the ledges we climb up on, help thinking clearly so that we don't unnecessarily freak ourselves out.
[And for me, this is where God's Word really comes in. When I can't trust my own feelings and thoughts, I'll trust His. And it totally stills my thoughts and calms my buzzing brain just to recite the Scripture that I've memorized, such as The Lord's Prayer ("Our Father, who art in heaven...") and Psalms 23, 27, 91, and 145. (And there are other things I've tried and recommend here: Help for Anxiety, Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts.)]
I mean, there's enough real things to be freaked out about, and so we don't also need to create more by overthinking everything, right?
[Here's an idea for a cool resolution: Watch as many Twenty One Pilot videos as you can. I'm serious. Especially all their "lore" videos in order. If you thought they were just great music, you're oh-so-wrong. They're so much more than that!
They aren't just great music, but they've also created a whole world of lore - with characters and everything - symbolizing Tyler's struggle, his fight against his demons of anxiety, fear, panic, suicidal thoughts, etc. It's really fascinating once you get into it because they put so much thought and effort into it, weaving it through all their albums. It goes really deep. (There's a reason I call them the greatest band ever - musical freakin' geniuses! And, my goodness, they're great together: Tyler and Josh. They make an excellent team. Especially when they're talking in interviews. Watch this video of how they met. Fun!)
The more you watch, understand, and really listen to them, the more you love them. Especially if you've struggled emotionally, too. And I, thankfully, found them when I really needed them, giving me encouragement and strength when I really needed it, when I was fighting my own demons. And so I will be a forever-fan of theirs. And I'm not ashamed to gush about them. They deserve it.
Anyway, here are their lore videos in order, at least according to this YouTube playlist. They are all well-worth watching!
Anyway, with so many things going wrong in the world and in life, so much chaos and hatred and fighting, so much to be afraid of, so many broken dreams and crushed hopes, so much haziness about the future, I'm trying to remember to view whatever happens this year as a "white horse"...
based on this White Horse Parable (there are other versions, but I'll tell it my way):
A man and his son owned a field that they farmed for a living. And one day, they found a white horse in the field.
"Oh, what a blessing," said the farmer. "A free horse."
But then the horse started tearing up their plants.
"Oh, this is terrible. What a curse!" cried the farmer.
But then they caught the horse and tamed it and were able to use it to farm the field.
"Oh, what a blessing," said the farmer.
But then the son was thrown off the horse, broke both arms, and couldn't farm for months, reducing their sales.
"Oh, what a curse," said the farmer. "I wish this horse never came to us. Why, God? Why!?!"
But then a war started, and the army issued a draft. But since the son had broken arms, he was excused from the draft and didn't have to fight in the war.
"Oh, what a blessing!" praised the farmer.
The point is, of course, that we're too quick to judge many of the things that happen in our lives, to label them good or bad.
But we can't see things from God's perspective, the big picture. We often don't know why He allows what He allows or how things will work out in the end. We can't always know sometimes how much something is good or bad, or the ways that the bad can be turned into something good. We can't see if God might be sparing us from a worse pain by bringing us a smaller pain or by saying "no" to a prayer or dream we have.
Of course, I'm not talking about the things that are clearly morally good or morally bad, clearly wonderful or terrible. Some things are definitely good and some things are definitely bad. But I'm talking about the conclusions we jump to, the assumptions we make, and the premature judgments we proclaim about something - about whether it's good or bad, a success or a failure, what we should've done or what we shouldn't have done - without actually knowing which it is. Isn't this what gets us most of the time? What causes us unnecessary or irrational anxiety, pain, shame, or hopelessness?
So I don't want to be too quick to judge what happens (although I usually am, which is why I'm trying to stop it), too quick to speak out doubts or negative things or hopelessness (our words will affect our thoughts and give demons insight into our minds, a foothold on our thinking), too quick to despair or assume that God isn't doing anything, that He isn't helping or answering my prayers (which seems to be my typical response to all heartbreaks).
Because in reality, He might be doing a whole lot behind the scenes. He might have good reasons for what He allows to happen. He might someday brilliantly turn what we thought was bad into something very good.
I bet that in eternity - when we see the big picture about the difficult, painful, or confusing times we went through - we'll say, "Ah, now I understand! Thank you, God, for handling it Your way, instead of mine. In Your timing, instead of mine. I just wish I trusted You a whole lot more while I was going through it, because it would've spared me a lot of heartache."
[Of course, I'm not saying that we can just sit back, do whatever we want, follow our own desires or whims, and still expect that God will work everything out, as if He does whatever He does apart from what we do.
God has good plans for us, and He tells us in His Word how He wants us to live in order to have the best life and eternity possible. But in order to get His best for us, we need to be doing our part. He has created a world where He often works in cooperation with us, letting our choices affect what happens, how He responds, and whether or not we are in His Will and get His best.
And so to get His best (at least in eternity, even if this life is hard), He expects us to do our part, to live according to His Word and His Truth, to follow Him obediently when He asks us to do something, to take steps of faith when we know He's guiding us in a certain path.
And as long as we're doing our part, He'll do His. As long as we're handling the part He gave us, He'll handle the rest. As long as we're doing our best to live obediently, we can be confident that He'll guide our path, keep us in His Will, protect us, and work it all into something good.
Our part is to do what He's asking us to do and live the way He tells us to live in His Word. His part is to use it however He wants to, for His plans and purposes, whether that means that our efforts are "successful" in this life by man's standards or merely successful in the spiritual realm by God's standards.
Are we content to do our parts and to let God do His? Or do we fight to make things work out according to our expectations, to get the results we hope for, to accomplish our goals and fulfill our dreams at all costs?]
Anyway, this is going to be my "White Horse Year."
It's going to be a year where when something freaks me out (real or imagined), I'll (try to) tell myself, "It's just a white horse. I don't know whether this is actually good or bad. I don't know the end or how this will work out. So I'll give it to God, and give it time."
And I'll (try to) set the white horse free, to release it into in God's hands and let Him manage it the way He wants to, let Him work it out the way He knows is best and use it for good, as I just focus on faithfully doing the daily jobs He gave me - doing them to the best of my ability and for His glory, being thankful for what He's already done for me and given me, thankful that He cares and that He's watching over everything, thankful that He's got me and my family in His hands, that He can handle what I can't, that He is strong when I am weak, and that He enough when I am not.
As the sign in my kitchen simply says: "Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need."
1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Matthew 6:33-34: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
1 Corinthians 10:31: “ ... whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...”
Psalm 62:5: “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.”
[And the other sign I have in my kitchen - that I put up when I needed the extra boost of encouragement to wake up and face the day even though I was terrified to be alive - is a quote from John Wayne:
"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."
I would wake up every day and read that quote in the morning, reminding myself that it was okay to not be okay, that if I couldn't stop being afraid then I just had to face the day afraid.
But I didn't have to face it alone:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)]
To help me remember "It's just a white horse," I bought a "white horse" necklace charm that I can wear when I need some hope.
When I say that I've got real and solid reasons for why I believe what I do, I really mean it.
And having reasons this solid helps get me through the times when I'm really struggling, when the world is shaking and my faith is faltering.
We'll all face crushing trials someday, our worlds falling apart. And so don't wait too long to figure these things out, to find faith. You'll need it to get through. If you wait too long, it may be too late. Figure it out now, while you've still got time and strength.
[Next in this series: My white horses]
